what I've done

2014, I accepted an offer to lead a psychosocial unit in Makassar.

2015, I left the unit and joined a project for preventing blindness in children.

2016, the project set up an office in Makassar, while struggling for acceptance. I started to write my diary again.

2017, the program finally had a team of 7. It took off slowly and later, gained reputation for its unusual objective and comorehensive approach. I was almost collapsed. 

2018, the project presence was expected in any other district, but permit was slow it down. The team grew, from 7 to 9. My partner left to pursue better opportunity 

2019, I led the team running across 19 districts. The team grew to 16, pax at one point, even to 19. The project received additonal donation: spectacles.

2020, I was still pushing the team to run, but the world had to stop due to the covid19 pandemic. Timeline was delayed for 3 months and fortunately, was extended till end of 2020. The team grew to 21. Last semester, we all had to risk our lives by travelling, organizing service, meeting, reporting, unsyncronized data, rejection. All of those targets were achieved in mid december and the team disbanded on 30dec.

2021 january, I am leaving the city; leaving behind all the sweet and the bitter memory as a leader, a friend, an organizer, a traveller. I'll be facing new delightful, yet frightening role: a husband, a father, a son; roles I've abandoned for 6 years.

PS: I haven't been able to define how I feel. I don't know what these 6 years have meant for me or made me. Like a flatline. I think I've been dead inside, but not disoriented nor proud. Neither is guilt nor happy blossoms in me. 

Luckily somehow, I have captured my sanity and insanity state and written them.

Mks, 3jan2021

a memorial of my 40th

Hasan Aspahani, "Pena sudah diangkat, Kertas sudah mengering"

2014 - 2020 Sulsel

dari kiri ke kanan, atas ke bawah:

Sinjai, Enrekang, Nias, Makassar, Selayar, Palopo

pulang

supaya kutahu

aku kembali,
dalam kilas-kilas kenangan
dan berpotong-potong cungkilan.
rasaku hambar,
setelah berulang kali terbenam.
putus asa masih bergelayutan,
masih riang menyongsong
setiap ide yang diungkap.

aku kembali,
hanya untuk mengulang-ulang masa lalu.
merayakan produktifitas yang kian menyusut.
tidak kusesali,
mungkin tidak mampu kusesali.

sekali lagi,
aku hanya kembali.
supaya aku tahu, aku mampu kembali.

Mks, 8jun2020

AFO

kamu,
sebuah abstrak yang tertata,
helaian rambut tipis terhambur
mengaburkan leher jenjang
yang menopang sorot berhasrat
dan memangku beban perseteruan.

kamu,
yang elok mengarungi angka-angka,
sebuah keindahan yang aku tak pahami.

Mks, 17sept2019

memancing

ada kala aku ingin memancing,
cerita-cerita lama yang membuat kita terkancing,
sembari mengisi jeda di ruang luring.


Mks, 17sept2019

infeksi

aku simpan senyummu
dalam sebuah bingkai ingatan.
penanda waktunya pernah tercetak,
lalu luruh dikaburkan niat.

senyummu masih tetap gagah,
berulang kali kulihat wujudnya
terukir tegas pada wajah-wajah
yang pernah berharap.

Mks, 27apr2019

kamar kos

sebaris rekah menjaga ruangnya
dari daya tipu mata yang memangsa
kelenggangan harga kesendirian.
ia selalu berkata,
ruangku ladang berdamai
dari kemalasan pengaturan,
dari serpih-serpih tembakau,
dari goda-goda asesoris priyayi;
ruangku sediakan kesepian
yang kau butuhkan,
juga semaikan serakah yang kau lakukan.

Mks, 27apr 2019

legend of tomorrow

Legend of tomorrow
was born from mother time,
raised to be folklore and history,
until present gives a summary of life.

And s/he believes no more to the sky,
where dreams were to fly
and out of horizon.
S/he rather trusts the soil,
where ideas would grow beyond
and sin made of tree thorns.

Shade of tomorrow
visits very early on any days.
A mystic orientation, it reiterates,
for it'll give you faith and hope.
To which, s/he replies,
it will only give me fallacy.

Mks, 21apr2019

dosaku kaukenali

Menilikmu di penghujung hari,
membawaku pada deretan imaji(nasi).
satu tawa diganti gelisah,
satu gelisah dipecah amarah,
satu amarah dibasuh tanya.
akankah kita tetap kita,
jika dosaku kau kenali?
jika dosamu mereka ketahui?
jika doa-doa kita tidak berwujud?

Mks, 1apr2019

Catatan diam

Kita tak lagi berkata-kata.
Entah karena onani mampu memuaskan berahi komunikasi
atau karena setiap maksud sudah dijabarkan.

Mungkin juga, kita ini eksibionis narsistik
yang menyemburkan semua abjad jadi retorika
sambil berharap disembuhkan para pembaca.

Entahlah....
Kamu masih di sana dan aku di sini,
masing-masing bermasturbasi untuk menggenapi gundah,
sambil mendandani ide-ide dari benak ke ujung jari.


Mks, 24mar2019

HNY 2019

Selamat menjalani lembaran baru (lagi).

Semoga ga bosen menyemangati diri sendiri darn orang2 lain.

Semoga masih mampu menghangatkan dan menenangkan pribadi yang gelisah.

Mks, 1jan2019