restart

so, this is the end of the end. my college years has ended. i'm now a bachelor of psychology. this phase is end. what did i feel ? free is one feeling. bound is the other.

new objective discovered. gotta find a job. earn some money for myself. save something for the future : to travel. i often think that this life will be like a circle : we were born, grew up, go to school, get a job, die as a dad. a boredome circle. i've tried to break up the circle, but that's life, that's the circle, and i've gotta play the game. lol...

restarting my life. i've reached my comfort zone during my university years. now, it's time to leave. i've gotta create my new comfort zone, being independence, get new situation, new challenges, new acquintances. feels like i'm going back to a beginning. well, this is a beginning. a new beginning. life goes on.

erlin was right when she said 'growing pains'. so it is painful. i lost my moments when i dont have to responsible for earning something, for saving something. when i dont have responsibility to work. that's the part of growing. i'm scared, yes, i am. the feeling itself is part of the growing proccess. just walk in, and walk on. life continues, even when i dont have anyone to share with. this is my life. i'm walking on it, i'll go on.

sepotong komentar...

sepotong komentar gw di blog sinta, tentang optima-nya :

...
you and i, we both have a dream. we call it our ideal state, a destination, the end of the road. so life has to have a destination, and we will aim our life to the destination. to syncronize our needs, our behaviour, our minor dreams, those are what we do. whether our ideal is relevant to the future situation, we will leave it unknown.

sweet dream, fellow.

sepisaupa sepisaupi*
sebilah pisau membunuh sepi
sepercik asa pada setumpuk jerami
membakar lara di kering hati

bahwa hidup selalu menari
berdaya, menggelora dan berserah diri
biarlah hari berlalu,
esok selalu ada mentari
menunggu untuk kuberi arti

kamarku, 16 agustus 2005, 04.26 am

*meminjam istilah Sutardji Calzoum

the first time is always difficult

last week discussion with Potan and Oddie @ Cibubur.

started with 'being honest to yourself'. Po said that he had had an interesting experience. he had not been honest to himself in order to respect somebody's feeling; but unexpectedly, his chat mate had accused him for not being honest, hiding his true feeling. as Po expressed to us, 'being not honest to oneself is horrible enough, but when you'd been not-honest to hide your feeling about something and get accused, that's more horrible'.

well, it's always difficult anyway to face the reality that doesnt fit in our expectation, especially when we have too much expectation and has done much to make the expectation real. aside from unexpected reality, doing for the first time is indeed difficult. expressing a feeling for the right girl, holding hands, first kiss, first job-interview, first day @ work, first love (difficult to forget :)).

Oddie and I agreed that the first time is always difficult, whatever it is. but when we've passed the first time, everything will be allright. as if we've had the template, next is easier.

http://www.cds.caltech.edu/~shane/text/

gile ni orang, Shane Ross, Ph.D, peneliti luar angkasa, suka berpetualang, suka menulis. link di atas itu ada tulisan2 dia, tulisan orang, lirik U2. menarik. dia juga mengutip soal quarter-life crisis di salah satunya.

begitulah sosok ideal yg gw harapkan jadinya. aktif di penelitian, suka petualangan, bisa menulis dengan baik, humanis, single (???), manusia yang bebas dan penuh cinta.

another half more....

another difficult half. i've given my shots, they're not the best. i dont know what's happening to me. i lost my hope, i lost my insanity, i lost my faith.

last night i thought, maybe i would never be proud of my bachelor degree. i didnt give my best. so it's not something to be proud of. i could be proud of what i have gain during my college years, but not my bachelor. the degree is something everyone has to reach, cos that's what college years is all bout, isnt it? :) hahaha... not me, i have gained more than just a degree. but that degree is something i have to own. just to prove to some company's users, or recruitment officers, that i'm qualified to apply.

sinta had bet i would made it, doing done my writing. she believed i had done the first half. she's right. up to my 2nd of august. the other half is doing my revision.

i have my own mistake here. too many time wasted for fun. i was and still am trying to run away from something. i dont know what i'm running away from.

need a break. need a time for solitary.

membentuk pemahaman

butuh waktu, usaha dan pengetahuan untuk menjadi seorang yang cerdas. kalo cuma sekedar pandai, itu bawaan genetik; alamiah; memang perlu diasah, tapi lebih mudah. tp kl untuk jadi cerdas, itu sulit. pengetahuan yang dimiliki harus dikombinasikan, butuh usaha untuk melakukannya, dan ga secepat membalik tangan juga.

yah, pokoknya udah beberapa lama ini gw makin ga jelas. maksudnya, gw kehilangan kemampuan untuk memahami. trus dengan nonton film Gie kemaren malem, gw bertanya2 lagi. ntu orang, hok gie maksud gw, cerdas kali ya. tulisannya di surat kabar mempengaruhi banyak orang. tu tulisan pastinya bukan spt yg gw tulis saat ini; tp buah2 pikiran yang bersumber dari ide, konsep, pengetahuan dari buku2 yg dia baca, persepsinya.
ada 2 adegan yang ga gw pahamin di situ : 2 ekor ikan mas dalam bak mandi ama pintu rumah yang dibuka. dengan ruang, waktu dan konteks yang dibangun di film itu, gw masih ga ngerti apa maksud adegan2 itu selalu diulang.

pulangnya, kami makan di depan rs cipto. sama seperti itu lagi. tp ini dalam hidup gw. ruangnya adalah kampus, kos temen2, angkot, apapun lah selama itu bersama anak2 pomda. waktunya adalah setahun terakhir. konteksnya, interpersonal relationships.

setahun terakhir ini, gw berusaha memahami setiap orang dlm komunitas pomda secara personal. butuh waktu lama krn topeng yang ditampilkan di kampus berbeda dengan di kos; jam malem juga lebih berarti untuk mengenali siapa mereka daripada siang2. hal yang mengejutkan ada di 3 bulan terakhir: siapa yang krisis pd, krisis identitas, mencapai achievement, udang di balik batu, serigala berbulu domba, identitas karir, siapa ga suka siapa, siapa suka siapa, dll. ada kenyataan2 yang baru gw ketahui, ada yang menguatkan belief gw.

lalu, dengan semua yang gw tau tentang mereka, adakah arti tertentu buat gw? rasanya iya. gw mengenal mereka lebih jauh, menentukan sikap terhadap mereka, membuat sebuah keputusan tentang rasa. :) ya itu lah yang akhirnya gw lalukan.

yang masih blm gw pahami adalah kerangka apa yang gw pake untuk memvonis mereka. vonis ini adalah belief yang gw pegang tentang mereka; tidak dimaksudkan untuk menuduh mereka, menghancurkan harga diri mereka. Tp vonis ini jadi dasar sikap dan perilaku gw terhadap mereka. gw merubah sikap ke bambang setelah tau yang dia alami; ada kesamaan antara gw dan dia, kami sama2 eksplorasi hubungan antar-pribadi dan punya kecenderungan jadi player.

kerangka. itu yang gw blom punya. kerangka butuh untuk memahami. semakin cerdas, semakin rumit kerangkanya.

secuplik perhatian

kemaren nonton Gie di megaria. 2jam30menit.
mmm.... cuma ada 3 rokok yang muncul di situ : rokok lintingan, marlboro lights, ama dji sam soe.