aku mulai bosan untuk bertanya
mengapa, bagaimana, apa, dimana
kau hanya terdiam dan menatap gelisah
kenapa orang ini tak punya semangat
tak mungkin kubaca pikiranmu
tak ingin juga kujawab pertanyaan-pertanyaamu.
sudahlah, teman.
sel-sel otakku kubiarkan mati
buluh-buluh rasa kubiarkan kebas.

mati suri kah aku?
kau tak bisa menjawab itu, karena kau tidak tau siapa aku.
kita baru saja bertemu dan berkencan.

bukan kau yang kubutuhkan saat ini.
bukan pula sentuhanmu.
walau lentik-lentik jemarimu membakar berahi.
tapi bukan kau yang kubutuhkan.

aku terbiasa sendiri. tidak berbagi. tidak memiliki.
aku adalah sendiri.
hanya titik noda yang bermimpi jadi laut.

teluk dalam, 14 desember 2006

tuhan bingung.
tuhan bingung karena malaikat
tuhan bingung karena malaikatnya ngambek

malaikat ngambek.
malaikat ngambek setelah liat manusia
malaikat ngambek setelah liat manusia saling jatuh cinta

manusia jatuh cinta.
manusia harus jatuh cinta karena tidak sempurna
manusia harus jatuh cinta karena tidak sempurnanya harus disempurnakan dengan berpasangan

tuhan mbikin manusia supaya berpasangan.
tuhan... lo bikin malaikat berpasang-pasangan ga?
tuhan... lo bikin malaikat ngambek karena malaikat ga tau mesti jatuh cinta sama siapa
tuhan... bukan cuma manusia yang mesti kau kasihi, malaikat-malaikatmu butuh perhatian juga

lo tau, han, gw bilang ini karena gw ga banyak tentang lo.

teluk dalam, 14 desember 2006.

magabut

makanya bisa mengisi blog dengan tulisan2 tak berguna itu. karena kapasitas otakku tak bguna.

senandungmu aneh.
padahal, suaramu merdu.

senyummu renyah,
walau lekuk bibirmu menanda kalah.

tatapmu lembut,
sandiwara untuk para lelaki kah?

kupikir kau cerdas,kupikir-pikir lagi...
tidak. kau tidak secerdas itu. kau hanya....
ulet. ulet dan gigih.

kau bilang kau pengalah.tapi kulihat matamu
dan kutemukan sosok penyelinap.

kau hanya kalah,
pada bayangan di muka cermin.
atau di penglihatan si buta !!!

teluk dalam, nias, 26 oktober 2006, 10.28pm

apa yang aku mau tau tentang dirimu?

kupikir semua cerita tentang dirimu.
cerita-cerita masa lalu yang membuatmu berisi, punya arti
atau mungkin cerita-ceritamu itu yang memberi makan kepercayaan diriku?
ya, benar juga apa adanya!
cerita dari bibirmu itu bukan kata-kata, melainkan angka-angka.
dan jarum khayal dalam benakku bergulir ke kanan dan ke kiri, menjadi saksi harga diriku.

kau tau, manisku?
semua ucapku adalah untuk membeli keyakinanku,
bahwa aku ingin merasa berharga buatmu.
sungguh!!!

teluk dalam, nias, 26 oktober 2006, 10.15pm

ngaco

semua yang kuinginkan ada padamu.
ingin kuletakkan semua yang pernah kumimpikan
di hadapanmu,
biar kamu saja tentukan nasibku.

maka, aku pergi.
hanya untuk mencari pilihan lain.
cuma sebuah cara melarikan diri,
bukan cara untuk menyadarkan diri.
dan pergi hanya semakin menguatkan
pelukan-pelukan yang belum pernah diberikan.

bagaimana mungkin rasa bisa memilih,
karna rasa cenderung mabuk.
dan dalam mabuknya, rasa tidak pernah bisa ingkar.

pengingkaran yang tak ada guna !

nias, sebuah pulau impian. bener2 ga nyesel untuk datang ke pulau ini. pulau indah dengan penghuni yang indah.
sepinya malam, akrabnya penduduk, hantu dendam perang antar öri(semacam area kekuasaan bangsawan), tuak suling, perempuan cantik, orang tua tak berbahasa indonesia, nyaring suara debur ombak, babi panggang, jalan utama tanpa lampu, malu-malu sinyal hape, mitos mistique, kawin muda, janda muda beranak dua, anak kecil pemecah batu karang, wanita tua mengeduk pasir.
sebuah peradaban dalam langkah menuju moderenisasi. merenggangkan ikatan kebersamaan dalam kesulitan, mengencangkan persaudaraan dalam kebahagiaan.situasi kondusif untuk mengembangkan empati dan ketegasan, fleksibilitas dan keteguhan. harus juga menahan diri supaya tidak merusak budaya asli nias yang makin tergerus dengan materialisme, city-people wanna be.

simeulue, 16 september 2006

kau memang angkuh.
dan memang bersembunyi,
dalam kesibukanmu
dalam kesendirianmu.
tak apalah.
kurasa bukan aku yang kau cari

aku hanya ingin senyummu,
sebuah jendela hati yang tak sengaja kau buka

saat kau tersenyum,
keangkuhanmu runtuh !

dan kau keluar dari persembunyian,
memunculkan jati diri yang lembut & tegar.

cuma saja aku ingin kau tahu,
senyummu menghancurkan semua kebijakanku !

language

there is a kind of language that only 2 persons understand. that language is developed in a natural way, of course along with their togetherness and mutual interest of the users.

it may take a form of a term, a behaviour, or a word and it can only be understood by the two. their definition to the language takes some time to developed, tries to figure out what the other was trying to say.

it is a nice way to have that language. i sometimes developed the language with whom i feel close with.

regret

why the fuck did i do dat same mistakes again and again?
harrassing is not a good habit. in some cases, it could become a type of gun to defend oneself. but if it is used against one who is innocent.... it would be a terrible mistake.

for the last 60 days, i have done that stupid action twice to two different persons.
to the first person, i apologized. she is luckily a nice person. she didn't say she forgives me, but i can sense that she has forgotten my stupidity; i was mislead some words that could be interpreted as a harrastment.
what makes me guilty is that at almost the same time, she had been harrassed too, verbally, i think.. she didnt mention. i just feel guilty that i know she have had a hard time through it and i do that to her again.

the other person is also a nice one. a though, proactive, well-built, simple woman. we had a one nice sharing at some afternoon. sat down and had a couple of cold-milky soda water few days before. i think i get too hard teasing her... and once again, i accidentally misspoken. i didnt mean to, i just want to have another nice conversation again.

so stupid.

we both know,
there's something unspoken about us.

there're times
when we had nice conversations.
and there're times
when we had silly arguments.
i realize those are moments we both enjoy.

we keep our distance apart,
but also keep our emotional bound tightly.

and that something unspoken is remain unspoken.
i tried to talk and i denied it myself.
while you're trying to say it implicitly,
i remained a dumb, a real dumb.

do we enjoy our situation?
do we want to stay this way?
where will we go when this thought have been spoken?
will we still be the way we are ?

(me trying hard to write what i have in mind)

when two persons get closer, some good and beautiful thing might happen to them.
and the hope is stay closer and supportive one another. the thing that might happen is to blend-in, and create another unique identity; it makes them a unique relationship.

here i am talking about the flow of a relationship. there is some other good thing. that flow is a story. a life story. a love story.

we all have at least one story ourselves. we could have fallen in love with one of our classmate, we could have fallen in love but never engaged in a relationship, or had fallen in love some time ago and the love grow again.

they are all stories.

they are all memories.

one day in the future, we're going to laugh at that story !

Superman (It's Not Easy)
Five for Nothing

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird:
I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd:but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed:but won't you conceed
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away:away from me
It's all right:You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy:or anything:

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

I'm more than a man in a funny red sheet
More than man looking for my dream
I'm only a man in a funny red sheet
It's not easyIt's not easy
It's not easy to be me.


Im not superman. and certainly this song is not talking about me.

i m now listening to this song again and again. perhaps it's been running for 100 times. the story amazed me. today has been a terrible. i got stuck today and can't perform well in my office. i've made my superior upset, my colleagues mad, and a lovely woman yell out at me.
lol... it's been a frustating day.

it is a right to be weak, but it is not right to keep weak !!!!

saya lupa
bahwa kita harus hidup dengan warna
dan mewarnai semua yang kita sentuh, yang kita kenal

saya lalai
untuk menjaga hidup saya dengan warna
warna2 yang bermunculan karena cinta
karena dengan cinta,
saya mewarnai ucapan2 saya, tingkah laku saya,
dan membiarkannya menggerakan hati

saya lari
karena saya lupa dengan indahnya warna-warni
karena saya lalai untuk menjaga kesetiaan saya
karena saya takut untuk hidup dengan cinta

lalu,
membeku seperti batu
dan tetap menjulanglah tembok tebal nan tinggi,
menjaga diri supaya tidak tersentuh oleh kasih
dan saya khilaf.

HOLIDAY
Music: Rudolf Schenker
Lyrics: Klaus Meine

Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Exchange the cold days for the sun
A good time and fun

Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Exchange your troubles for some love
Wherever you are

Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Longing for the sun you will come
To the island without name
Longing for the sun be welcome
On the island many miles away from home
Be welcome on the island without name
Longing for the sun you will come
To the island many miles away from home

(copy and paste, without permission)

this province has run islamic syariah law. so women should wear hijab. i dont mind bout that (not because i'm not moslem, but becos some women are more beautiful with hijab).

my only problem is i always remember this lovely friendly sweet girl i had met previously in jakarta. each time i look at the women here, my memory drives me back to her, whether it's her physical look, her sweet smile, her warmful acceptance, her hidden personality. anything about her would come up in my vision.

11th march, 2006
have spent my first night and second on posko mapala in banda aceh. i have had warm welcome and service from them. had thought that i won't had a warm acceptance from them. just a worry that has been cleared.
miss this busy but cozy situation : working with this posko lifestyle and responsibility.

i put my bag on CARE's official guest house, but i'd stay here. i'll spend my next working days there. i do not know when CARE will send me to simeulue. probably on wednesday. i've talked with some persons that have previous experience there. the capital, sinabang, is quite small, smaller than banda aceh. there isnt much activity there and so there isn't much for the entertainment. dunno what to do during my weekend there. for the first 3 months, i wont have an Rest & Relaxation (RnR) leave. there are few banks operated there, Mandiri and BRI. the cost in simeulue is probably little higher than in banda. fried rice can cost me 8000 rupiah, while in banda, it costs 5000.

probable bad news are i probably won't receive my per diem cost until april. the reason is that the jakarta office didnt give any personnel ID number. without it, the finance department can't give the per diem cost. second probable bad news is i wont receive my salary for march. the budgeting for this month has been closed. so, i'll receive my 2 months salary on april.

december 30, 2005
apply for hr position through jobsdb.com

februari 2, 2006
interview at CARE's office

februari 7, 2006
an offer from CARE to join the organization

februari 9, 2006
a formal resign letter was sent to my recruitment manager and user

march 4, 2006
farewell party with Ahmad, Hani, Budi, Krisna, and Aussie. Ahmad had to leave with his fiancee for food test; his wedding is on May 14, 2006, two weeks before his birthday (he's gonna have his own naked lady on the bed for his birthday present, and it's forever).
without Ahmad, the five of us went to Sentul, tried to find some 'sate kiloan', the thing which we had been looking for. on one restaurant, had few cigarettes after 1 kilos 'sate', 2 soup, 1 big rice jug and some drinks.
had a long conversation with Hani and Krisna at a sidewalk, march 5, 2006 : 1.30 am - 4.00 am

march 5, 2006
a reunion with Sinta, Ari, Erlin and Devita, pondok laras, 12.00 am. served with its famous 'ayam plenet' and 'sayur asem', we spent almost 2 hours there. main reason is that it was raining heavily.

march 7, 2006
last day at Persaels. had pizza hut with some collagues. then had a gathering with Mapala's member. 5 person : 3 men, 2 women. had a 'lesehan' in melawai, blok m. from 7 pm till 1.30 am. got home on 2.30 am, march 8, 2006. with them, i refresh my memories that i had a responsibilities that i left. lazy me!!!!

march 8, 2006
a call from CARE asking when i will come to take my ticket. tomorrow i'll be there to collect my ticket. stuck here at home, writing left blog.

march 9, 2006
sinta's birthday.

march 10, 2006
leaving to banda aceh. should i visit posko mapala there? do they accept me?

gw muak dengan jakarta yang menyebalkan.

dan ketika semuanya terasa hambar
cuma satu yang membuat hari-hari ini menjadi manis
sapa yang tak terduga dan telepon yang mendadak

temanku, adakah hadirmu untuk tenangkan aku?

aku berdiri, tapi tidak pergi
biarkan saja aku begini
jangan tengok, jangan pula menyapa
berlakulah seperti aku tak di sini

aku tak ingin pergi, tak pula ingin sendiri
kujadikan kau sebuah mimpi
akhirnya kau memang hanya jadi mimpiku
menemani tubuh tak bersisa ini