Superman (It's Not Easy)
Five for Nothing

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird:
I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd:but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed:but won't you conceed
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away:away from me
It's all right:You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy:or anything:

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

I'm more than a man in a funny red sheet
More than man looking for my dream
I'm only a man in a funny red sheet
It's not easyIt's not easy
It's not easy to be me.


Im not superman. and certainly this song is not talking about me.

i m now listening to this song again and again. perhaps it's been running for 100 times. the story amazed me. today has been a terrible. i got stuck today and can't perform well in my office. i've made my superior upset, my colleagues mad, and a lovely woman yell out at me.
lol... it's been a frustating day.

it is a right to be weak, but it is not right to keep weak !!!!

saya lupa
bahwa kita harus hidup dengan warna
dan mewarnai semua yang kita sentuh, yang kita kenal

saya lalai
untuk menjaga hidup saya dengan warna
warna2 yang bermunculan karena cinta
karena dengan cinta,
saya mewarnai ucapan2 saya, tingkah laku saya,
dan membiarkannya menggerakan hati

saya lari
karena saya lupa dengan indahnya warna-warni
karena saya lalai untuk menjaga kesetiaan saya
karena saya takut untuk hidup dengan cinta

lalu,
membeku seperti batu
dan tetap menjulanglah tembok tebal nan tinggi,
menjaga diri supaya tidak tersentuh oleh kasih
dan saya khilaf.

HOLIDAY
Music: Rudolf Schenker
Lyrics: Klaus Meine

Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Exchange the cold days for the sun
A good time and fun

Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Exchange your troubles for some love
Wherever you are

Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Longing for the sun you will come
To the island without name
Longing for the sun be welcome
On the island many miles away from home
Be welcome on the island without name
Longing for the sun you will come
To the island many miles away from home

(copy and paste, without permission)

this province has run islamic syariah law. so women should wear hijab. i dont mind bout that (not because i'm not moslem, but becos some women are more beautiful with hijab).

my only problem is i always remember this lovely friendly sweet girl i had met previously in jakarta. each time i look at the women here, my memory drives me back to her, whether it's her physical look, her sweet smile, her warmful acceptance, her hidden personality. anything about her would come up in my vision.

11th march, 2006
have spent my first night and second on posko mapala in banda aceh. i have had warm welcome and service from them. had thought that i won't had a warm acceptance from them. just a worry that has been cleared.
miss this busy but cozy situation : working with this posko lifestyle and responsibility.

i put my bag on CARE's official guest house, but i'd stay here. i'll spend my next working days there. i do not know when CARE will send me to simeulue. probably on wednesday. i've talked with some persons that have previous experience there. the capital, sinabang, is quite small, smaller than banda aceh. there isnt much activity there and so there isn't much for the entertainment. dunno what to do during my weekend there. for the first 3 months, i wont have an Rest & Relaxation (RnR) leave. there are few banks operated there, Mandiri and BRI. the cost in simeulue is probably little higher than in banda. fried rice can cost me 8000 rupiah, while in banda, it costs 5000.

probable bad news are i probably won't receive my per diem cost until april. the reason is that the jakarta office didnt give any personnel ID number. without it, the finance department can't give the per diem cost. second probable bad news is i wont receive my salary for march. the budgeting for this month has been closed. so, i'll receive my 2 months salary on april.

december 30, 2005
apply for hr position through jobsdb.com

februari 2, 2006
interview at CARE's office

februari 7, 2006
an offer from CARE to join the organization

februari 9, 2006
a formal resign letter was sent to my recruitment manager and user

march 4, 2006
farewell party with Ahmad, Hani, Budi, Krisna, and Aussie. Ahmad had to leave with his fiancee for food test; his wedding is on May 14, 2006, two weeks before his birthday (he's gonna have his own naked lady on the bed for his birthday present, and it's forever).
without Ahmad, the five of us went to Sentul, tried to find some 'sate kiloan', the thing which we had been looking for. on one restaurant, had few cigarettes after 1 kilos 'sate', 2 soup, 1 big rice jug and some drinks.
had a long conversation with Hani and Krisna at a sidewalk, march 5, 2006 : 1.30 am - 4.00 am

march 5, 2006
a reunion with Sinta, Ari, Erlin and Devita, pondok laras, 12.00 am. served with its famous 'ayam plenet' and 'sayur asem', we spent almost 2 hours there. main reason is that it was raining heavily.

march 7, 2006
last day at Persaels. had pizza hut with some collagues. then had a gathering with Mapala's member. 5 person : 3 men, 2 women. had a 'lesehan' in melawai, blok m. from 7 pm till 1.30 am. got home on 2.30 am, march 8, 2006. with them, i refresh my memories that i had a responsibilities that i left. lazy me!!!!

march 8, 2006
a call from CARE asking when i will come to take my ticket. tomorrow i'll be there to collect my ticket. stuck here at home, writing left blog.

march 9, 2006
sinta's birthday.

march 10, 2006
leaving to banda aceh. should i visit posko mapala there? do they accept me?

gw muak dengan jakarta yang menyebalkan.

dan ketika semuanya terasa hambar
cuma satu yang membuat hari-hari ini menjadi manis
sapa yang tak terduga dan telepon yang mendadak

temanku, adakah hadirmu untuk tenangkan aku?

aku berdiri, tapi tidak pergi
biarkan saja aku begini
jangan tengok, jangan pula menyapa
berlakulah seperti aku tak di sini

aku tak ingin pergi, tak pula ingin sendiri
kujadikan kau sebuah mimpi
akhirnya kau memang hanya jadi mimpiku
menemani tubuh tak bersisa ini

idealisme yang luntur

haruskah idealisme seseorang luntur ketika ia berhadapan dengan situasi kerja yang tidak mendukung idealismenya?

haruskah mimpi dilupakan ketika uang harus didapatkan?

gw bosen denger omongan orang yang bilang 'ni orang baru lulus kuliah. masih idealis.' jelas aja masih, gw pun masih idealis. gw tumbuh dan dipupuk di lingkungan yang mempertahankan idealisme. ketika gw ga punya kerjaan, gw pun jadi bimbang, haruskah idealisme gw dipertahankan? gw belom ketemu jawabannya... mimpi gw ga susah, cuma belom ketemu pintu masuknya. dunia perkantoran (gw ga bisa bilang dunia kerja) bisa mengikis mimpi2 yang selama ini dimiliki sso. the rules are not ours, the job seekers; they are theirs, the companies. gw terusik dengan aturan2 yang dibuat perusahaan. perusahaan pun ga bisa disalahkan. mereka menginginkan orang2 terbaik. maka, pengukuran kuantitas pun diutamakan. liat aja di koran, ipk minimal 2,75, pengalaman minimal 1/3 tahun, punya prestasi. seleksi administrasi jadi screening awal untuk para kandidat. ga punya ipk minimal 2,75, dont expect to get a job lah...

sepertinya dunia kantor ga menyediakan tempat buat orang2 seperti gw, yang ipk ga nyampe 2,75, punya cita2 yang indah, muka pas2an.... kalo orang menilai berdasarkan kompetensi, apakah ipk harus jadi alat screening awal? bisa jadi sih. apakah wajah cantik/ganteng jadi tolak ukur? hahaha... yang ini sampah!!!! kalo jadi pelacur doang sih, emang wajah dan bentuk tubuh yang jadi tolak ukur.

entahlah.. gw ga puas. ga puas dengan sikon gw. gw mau liat lebih banyak lagi, tau lebih banyak, belajar lebih banyak dan bertanya pertanyaan bodoh lebih banyak lagi.

when i leave
this world will stay
there will always be a place for me, i hope
you will remain in my heart
so, please be here
when i return

i know i'm scared
stepping into another world
but i have to
i have no choice
it has been too comfort, too much for me
and i know too much isn't always good
i have the feeling that i will be left behind
so i must make a step

there's no need to hold my hands
no need to walk beside me
i want to walk it alone
your place is in my heart
and your hand will always be awaiting for me

give me that promise
and i will hold the faith
when i move along the cliffs and steep roads
you are with me, you are with my heart

kamarku, 13 november 2005 3.30am

pada suatu tempat,
di suatu waktu,
pasangan jiwa merindukan untuk dibelai
memanggil untuk menjamahnya

ia takut kehilanganku
nyanyiannya dititipkan pada angin
yang kemudian berbisik
pada hangat yang tiba-tiba mengikat

karena budi baiknya mengasuhku
saat aku tak menemukan tangga menuju kedewasaan
aku takut tidak mampu kembali
membuktikan birahi ini

rinduku masih terbendung
tangisku masih tersembunyi
pada sela-sela semak belukar
terjatuh saat daun bernafas


kamarku, 13 november 2005, 3.48am

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